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you never wanted me that’s for sure clear as the sky is the eggshell blue painted on the walls the one where you placed your hands and after you asked me if I saw god I saw god walking in a garden when I was five but I saw you working too hard to be loved and not do any loving in return you never wanted me that’s a truth you roll in your mouth chewing on my faith and blowing bubbles out of my sweetness while mocking my affections over another soft hide and you hide in the fire of her eyes you never wanted anything well not from me dirty nails dirt under your nails and you were offended that I didn’t want you to come digging yourself up through me you don’t want you devour a monster of the makings of a love denied from you a making of something you picture to have stolen your human you never wanted me that’s clear as the sky is clear for me now I see why I know why I see how and now as I clean the pavement hose in hand rushing waters cleaning the dirty mess of you how a shattered heart ran so far distorting the image of love whenever held

seesaw

you’re a good man saying the words just so you’re a good woman now artfully swinging the melody of your lips and you’re a good good man and those legs of yours washing the air perfuming the air with courage steadiness you’re a good woman turning away you’re a good woman saying no you’re a good woman wanting a good man you’re a good man for blaming nothing about nothing slipping into nonchalance so handsome with manners but you don’t want a good woman you want a something you want to conquer and place a flag on the back of an ass just to say you did you don’t want a good woman you want a yes woman a woman who never says no a woman who throws herself and wants to be thrown you want a good man good woman because love is so quaint so dainty when it’s artfully done yet you say no yet you don’t want to be thrown because good woman there is no good man and good man you don’t want a human being you could barely stand in your own humanness goodness is not love but love is good a recipe known to those who understand their own humanity

a discovery

within me something blue grows. spreads slowly. molasses in texture and speed. slowly, slowly. steady, steady. something blue grows within me. i swallowed the sky. the clouds evaporate through my pores. i’m blue- the ocean, the sky, the rain. blueness is newness and i’m blue, blue, blue. glug, glug, glug. i drink from my newly reformed wells. i painstakingly put them back together after the disaster that was heartbreak. brick by brick, stone by stone, my wells are newly formed. the waters have renewed themselves. i’m filling up to the brim but slowly, slowly blue molasses, sweetness has collapsed itself over me. something blue is growing and nothing gnaws within my soul any longer, its carcass driven away by the sea. i’m blue, so blue no longer sad. sadness is the shadow that used to follow me. now blue, from a seed, from something so small, landed within me. i am the sky, and the sea. the waters: rivers, waterfalls, bubbling brooks, all within me. something true is finally staying with me. tears are rains, and anger are thunderstorms; i now understand my atmosphere. blueness is newness and it grows within me. steady and slowly. i’m finally brand new. i have rediscovered me.

roving along

You ever looked real hard at the sky from a window from looking up outside walking about shaking loose the sorrow clinging like foam on the lips looking real hard and wondering if the sky is the sea the sea is the sky and if you drown will you fall from the sky again drop into another body and scream because you came back again and again and again just waiting to begin what you want to begin staring at the sky in anger real hard eyes like lasers yea I know I know I wipe the foam of sadness and trace my scowl lines with rosehip seed oil and stare real hard at my reflection I am the sky or am I the sea blue blue blue you ever looked at yourself real hard stared so long you could’ve sworn you smiled but you got scared cause that smile never came from you walking away is easy everyone just wants to play but the sky is the sea and sea is the sky too serious for anything but too dumb for those who tell you the sky is the roof the sea is the basement but we’re just roving along in the black jelly of space trying to find a center you will always seem to misplace stare at the clouds too long they become faces stare at the waves too long they grow arms but those faces just tease a conversation and they tell you to stay away from those arms and I have to agree I don’t want to keep coming back okay alright I’ll live until I can’t fine fine the world is whatever I say the world is whatever they can prove

to the end

Nothing looks like the smile of anything in happiness anymore chasing joy with its corona of glitter the angels assure blue and purple Michael is here but nothing looks like the smile of anything in happiness anymore the empty trappings of loneliness thieves the dollar that the heart charges to be gazed at pink and red Chamuel is here but I pass on love as the table is filled knick knacks and little figurines a couple of pomegranates and some oranges here lies her hand and here lies his legs but nothing looks like love anymore a dollar to charge to see the heart the world and its tokens amusement only those sad pathetic clowns nothing looks like the smile of anything in happiness anymore chasing joy like a sport and collecting the gold rings and when it hurts they spill over on the cement and didn’t you think that each transaction would be paid so dearly my heart runs and runs I run after my heart as the angels and the clowns and their distracting empty joys fill my periphery I run and run towards the edge of the world towards the end of the universe contemplating the warmth of a real honest embrace

green leaves

Green leaves green leaves and a temper simmering to a boil the hot water now calms the ache and the heart is trying to find where it put down its bag filled with the stones collected by the river cause lover loved someone else cause lover did not want such a melancholy love green leaves raining pink and red petals and a temper my temper turning into a tempest but it don’t upturn the trees I turn red in the cheeks and the churning makes me dizzy and what the hell is my heart doing collecting stones by the river I took the heavy bag and spilled the earth scented rocks onto a pile of green leaves and leaves blow now from the wind is my breath now the wind I’m huffing and puffing sighing in the trouble unloading these burdens why heart come back but she says my chest is a cage and now I have no heart I’m a heartless woman wandering the woods I make trouble to those that come by purposely making them more lost than they came my green leaves now yellow and dead now it only rains white fluffy feathers and a cloud came down to me to scold my emptiness says my chest is a prison says my mind has no key and where are my manners says where am I ending says where did I begin but my green leaves turned yellow my cheeks have sallowed I say have mercy my heart has run away from me I say I can’t love without this sadness and now my green leaves have turned yellow but they turned into vapors got me talking to air now I’m in waiting waiting for the leaves to turn green again and my heart will she return maybe I should collect the stones again I threw them in haste my heart is such a peculiar thing