november letters | epilogue

I visited the different altars and bowed my head. I decided to let my gaze fall upon the statues and observe the reverence that occurred.

I then dreamt of the god’s faces, each solemn glance turned menacing, they showed me their teeth, and became a black hole reaching for the glint of my light.

I returned helplessly trying to find a better god, my gaze turned frantic, my eyes trying to make sense. The devils turned to angels and the angels disappeared with a grin. I hid away and swam into the seas. Was swallowed by a whale and flew up and out into a fountain. I walked the beautiful gardens, “heaven” I whispered but was corrected by a chuckle of amusement, “no such thing”. I turned to watch the titans walking about and followed their steps to the mountains. I followed their pointing hand into the caves and I wandered and wandered through the mazes. Each turn a reflection of each lifetime I ever lived. When I reached the end, I exited into a starry filled night.

I did not want to leave and sat at the edge of the sea, the waves lapping while the red dragons flew above. I thought, “aren’t they the devils” and one sent a fireball that consumed me. But I burned the same, and it became a battle of my own wits. I figured the rhythm and burned just the same. The flames subsided and the dragon lay near me. I sat and closed my eyes too and in their reverie I realized a certain truth.

You can choose to be the mirror, you can choose to be eaten, you can choose to be a refuge for another monster but you can also choose to stand in your own righteousness and refuse. I refuse, and with the lessons of fire I burned my own path, and make my own exit, make my own way, I choose to fully stand in my own light.

nov 30 | monday

whatever we feel
let it wander like the clouds
let it fill and then rain
but never voluntarily offer pain
what are martyrs
but an altar of continuous guilt in mortal form
let’s not sin against ourselves
free fall away
whatever we feel
is what it is, let it fall away

nov 29 | sunday

woman, woman
here i see the lovely monster
girls don’t exist
molded and scolded
into The Monster
woman, oh woman
how lovely it is to just be
burn again like the stars
overflow like the volcanoes
remember the power of restructuring the seas

nov 28 | saturday

all my toys are dead
i touched the surface of the lake
and was swallowed into the void
i ended up on the other side of a voice
who is who and what is what?
living in fear got boring
so i killed all of my toys
and jumped into the lake
i confused the void
with the sound of my voice

nov 27 | friday

“explain why my soul is in pain”
you’re trying to match it and force it into a mold
“why does everyone break my heart?”
you’re looking too far into the mirror
“i love my god, i will never love yours”
there are no gods or devils
take the narrator away
and the reader becomes disoriented
but you love this amusing story book
admit that in pain, you still have fun

nov 26 | thursday

“your god is not my god”
their reality will make you jump
hold your person in shock
“but my god is better than your god”
the blood is an essential nutrition
and the body is too
“your god is a monster, mine is not”
have you ever wondered what you offer?
and why it’s sinful to love the self?
always making an altar for something else?

nov 25 | wednesday

do you cry and mourn?
for who, for what?
“if i don’t than nothing means much”
do you laugh and feel joy?
“sometimes, sometimes”
as we die, as we seemingly go
everything material becomes trivial
what did you give yourself?
in contemplation,
what have you added to your soul?

nov 23 | monday

ice breaks and cracks
we assign the blue and white
we name the shadows and light
the butterflies don’t live long
but they roam ceaselessly
we assign mortality
but spiritually humans are broken
obsessed with naming and classification
unable to live
without uttering it with their lips

nov 22 | sunday

i have the faith of the stars
inwards always inwards
not minding the rays that escape
not minding burning all on one’s own
i have the faith of the stars
nestled in the embrace
of what surrounds me
still burning and knowing
time does not own me
for i mold it to my whims