sentimental dance of the knights

my failures i stretch them thin
cut it up and pound them to dust
and blow them into the wind
has anyone seen the umbrella?
it’s raining and i don’t want to get drenched
everyone is out lavishing in it
and i’m hesitating again
i stay and watch and wait
i lose everything and laugh
isn’t it curious how it all falls through?
water through my fingers
all of life like water through my fingers
my failures now enriching the gardens of another
my failures now causing allergies
look at how they sneeze
look it there mingling with the pollen
i’m no longer searching for an umbrella
i’m laughing a little too hard
when i should be wailing
but failing seems to be funny now
how am i to live now?
i find nothing serious enough to capture
i find nothing interesting enough
to strip myself and humiliate myself for
i gather what’s left of my skirts
and wander through the crammed streets
and wander i will
wondering about nothing anymore.

written while listening to: Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky’s piece, “Valse Sentimentale” and Sergei Prokofiev’s piece, “Romeo & Juliet: Act I, Scene XIII, Dance of the Knights” from this playlist:

lacrimosa

i’ll cut out my heart when it’s of no use
for you i’ll cut out my heart
so it can be some use for you
lead me to the seas of your desires
and lay into me the saltiness of your years
that have shadowed the best of your passions
i’ll cut out my heart when it’s of no use
for you i’ll cut out my heart
so it can be some use for you
where you drink the wine of my years
and recoil at the staining of your sands
but wonder of the rain
where does it come from?
and when will it end?
i’ll cut out my heart when it’s of no use to me
so it will serve some use for you
and swim into the ocean
swell the tides until all the blue merges
and pull heaven down
onto the beaches of your soul

written while listening to Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart’s piece, “Requiem Mass in D Minor, K. 626: III. Lacrimosa”

the fragility of your love

“come on sing me a lullaby
lull my senses
please me to pieces
with words that honey
not those sour words of yours”
my sour words
and my bloody hands
playing with god
and taunting death
a sweet love?
that sounds like something
some thing that sugars the day
but never truly satisfies the hunger
only creates an obsession with satiety
listen now
to this song of mine
that bows over metal strings
of a heart that shrieks
at the sight of someone
pleading on their knees
it only rouses the wildness
of wanting to devour a heart whole
and leave its bones of desire
laying in the desert sun

written while listening to Camille Saint-Saëns’ piece “Danse Macabre”

all of my failures

some are motivated by fear
that fear rouses their anxiety
and they go running madly towards
all the things their heart is aiming at
fear does not motivate me
it arrests me
the illusions create shackles
and I overthink my solutions
to dust

some find themselves in others
place it upon their dressings
like a patch, etching a name
and become a quilt of all that tread
on their skin
I find nothing in others
to place upon myself
I’m naked and perusing strange gardens
half expecting a snake to taunt me
with a fig while calling it an apple

is this all there is?
you creator of all that is me
is this all that’s left?
am I just to tread on others flesh?
bear the markings and wave the flags?
I cannot find satisfaction
in painting my face
and rehearsing lines for a lover
I will never know

I cannot find satisfaction in this kind of love
so I refuse love
I refuse it!
if that is love I want nothing of it
if that is life
then leave me on a mountain
let me greet you
let me scold you
for what have you done?
all this flesh will rot
my dressings are not upon me
I am failing and nothing will love a thing like me
but I will chase the unseen
and live a life they believe to be obscene
not motivated by fear
my heart is not aiming at anything
my soul will not become a parasite
I will gaze at the sky until I die
and point my soul out of this body
and fly until the fire burns out

a penny for your thoughts

my dear man here’s a penny
and some change
did the sharpness of your eyes
truly fade with time?
i’m standing in your light
but i’m also hiding in your shadows
tracing a bit of something
a glitter of something
i’m trying to decipher
as i pick the speck
and invent a harness
tie it where?
my dear man here’s a penny
and some face
how are we to know ourselves
as we get lost in each other’s maze?
i wonder about that heart of yours
do you ever wonder about this heart of mine?
i’m sure you have other things
that occupy all of your time
i’m just the wind in your hair
a whisper in your ear at midnight
and you dream of me
as i walk through clouds
and fall into your mind
my dear man, is this penny not enough?
i’m not enough, so you walk on
running your fingers through your hair
the breeze is just so strong
and midnights murmur your favorite song
and dreams don’t mean much anyways
eventually all doors just close shut
and never open again

looking glass

and I fell into the disarray
some banging on and some racing through
crashing and striking
lulling the senses to violence
as simple as the next breath.
I fell into the display
a mockery of childish fairytales
with endings that flourish
and knot into a ribbon
a creeping note and a sweeping melody
a sharpness and a choreography
that delays the senses.
pick up all your weapons
and dance along
whip the trees and cut down the roses
here we try to dispose of all of it
why is the richness of life
now bludgeoned neatly
into a cardboard box?
and I kept falling through
a looking glass that shattered
my own bloody fingers
my own eyes watching
the dismayed expressions
the listless dance
the demands of the heart
broken between lips
that can’t ask for more
for its been counted and sorted
for someone else

let me weave a string of fate

to open without hesitation
and no wound to become an obstruction
to a flow that should be natural
and nothing would deter its path
to your heart
and then to mine
to open and bloom like sweet peas
and hydrangeas with their luscious ornate petals
to open without the sense of incoming doom
and the fear of mockery
to say the words as hot as they feel
and let it flow

let me sing the melody
an orchestral whisper into dusted corners
the reverb would upturn the curtains
and somehow the veils would vanish
somehow it will seem as real as the sun shining
illuminating the blue blue sky
spearing through the cottonous clouds

opening without hesitation
a vaporous foam
a froth of petals
every uncertainty a crackle of fire disappearing
and lighting all and every path
from me
to you

a shooting star

i’ve ripped out all of my tulips
i cleared the landing
but you zoom across the sky
and disappear out of sight
i wandered toward the hills
and fell down into the stream
i drank the water
i watched my blood dry
i tried to make the circle
into a rectangle
i traced and traced
trying to mold it to the earth
my poor tulips sitting elsewhere in water
the remnants of the their roots
under my fingernails
but i’ve cleared the landing
why won’t you come down?
i thought if the work was done
a heart would be easy
to capture and love

who am i?

given the date and time, the energies of mercury dancing with saturn as pluto watches.

i speak like water, and the thoughts run everywhere not following the previous riverbeds, trying to find another way- there has to be another way.

my heart belongs with mercury even as the moon shines silver under the sun who playfully opens a few flowers, retreating behind clouds once the bloom fades and burns.

my soul is a landscape traversed by the dark, who tramples crops just to say, “you can grow it all again” but saturn, how and why? yet pluto laughs.

the maiden provided light on my horizon and her smile birthed mine. all my life i would try to reach her as the horizon line swiftly covers another timeline.

i am the mosaic of two lives hoping to birth a third, maybe the last one.

in the throne room

the queen of fire burns her clubs
and i watch and observe
the hilt of a sword
and the glint of its light
i hold on and keep it by my side
the queen of air sharpens her spades
and i dare not back down
curious to me, these women be
and i find the cinders amusing
when shall we dance?
how much blood shall we spill?
as we spin like a top
slow and steady we gaze and gaze
one moment, it’ll demand-
and who will take its place?

“suffice to say I won’t resign”
but the queens spread the fire
i’m burned; my palms take the light
hand to neck, and spade in heart
wrist to fist, and a club in my eye
how sweet it is to die
how swell it is to feel my heart rise
the sea i command
and drown us all
i drown us all
the queen and her soaked charred clubs
the queen and her dull rusted spades
“suffice to say I won’t die”
i can’t die
i’ll live another, i live once more
a spade in my palm
the clubs in my navel
i cannot die