The Lord of Ruin

The following posts will be full sections of my poetry collection called “The Lord of Ruin” written and published in 2019 (available for purchase here). I used the symbol of the swords in the tarot as my foundation to build upon it my spiritual journey. The titles of each section were inspired by the astrological correspondences of the suit of swords and I gave myself room to draw the emotional toll it took to walk through my own ruins as I spoke to God. I gave myself room to be honest with the mess, to be open to point and criticize without guilt, and to honestly have a look at how my own journey looks like through words. It was an interesting experience, and I think due to my Catholic upbringing, I will always feel blasphemous and a heretic for constantly trying to put a face to God, to try to look into their eyes and try to stand up righteously to a force I myself have conflicted feelings for. I think I will always have conflicted feelings for this force that is so very present regardless of names, of descriptions, and my own poetic taunts.

Seven- Shortened Force

1.

Here they are feeling like glory in robes
there they go chin up watching the sky
waving their finger
challenging nothing
rituals become their comfort
here they are feeling like glory in robes
the blood drips from the hem
they feel mighty
sweeping over misery
saying they’re holy
standing on the meek
with promises of rule
when there they go
building more thrones
flashing a smile at the mules

2.

I am a glory unto myself
you see my wounds
Christ would be jealous
how blasphemous of me
I don’t have cups to fill
but I cup my hands and wait for rain
they tell me I look like a beggar
but who took the beggars home?
Christ would be jealous
of how hard it is for you to bruise and hurt
it would’ve come in handy
for when the nails were hammered in
but you wear the cross as a remembrance
and forget yourself
when the pie is up for splits

3.

An ache in my chest
reminds me of the doors
the vast room I rested in
after roaming the deserts of where You were born
an ache in my chest
reminds me of my human
I am no glory
I am not holy
I am like the tree
I am like the green grass
but my stench when I bleed
is not as fresh
so, I go bathe in a river
making myself feel
truly feel this ache
God are you watching?
roll the dice
tell me by chance
where to rest, where to die

4.

Fix your eyes on the stars
you know what makes them
and yet you do not awe
how dare you?
ego is not the driver
ego is the furnace
the soul is the fire
your body at the helm
fix your eyes on the stars
know what makes them
you may see a battle
but not every force
is to be seen so maliciously
if you listen close to your heart
it reflects the same drive

5.

Do not betray me God
help me make sense of my senses
do not berate me so called holy men
may you die a thousand deaths for your constant deceit
do not roll the dice anymore
but Boxman your hands are no longer on the table
I won’t make any call
I reach into my pocket
I’m searching for a blindfold

Six- Earned Success

1.

Black matter has opened like a palm
each yod is strung across a clavicle
what if I told you God is a body?
what if I told you God is everything you stand on?
everything is truly a reflection of that face
old wisdom didn’t lie
what they missed was their human
wanting an explanation with details
it’s not the knowledge that’s elusive
it’s our interpretation of life itself

2.

A seed opens in the dark
a seed breaks open as it pulls in the nourishment
a seed cracks the soil
a seed pulls itself over
a seed crawls and sprawls itself
a seed blooms into green
the green spreads its roots
its roots grab hold of everything
that will pull it up
its vibrations become a language
and everything turns its face to it
ready to exclaim what gives it the right
but a hush falls over
now aware of its bloom
the pollen a heady romance
a come hither to dance
in all its colors

3.

I sit and watch the trees
I sit and watch the weather
I take notes in my mind of every pulse
every shade of blue the sky will offer
I sit and get trampled by those hurrying
saying war is right around the corner
but I have finished my battles
I am a walking ruin of my own right
Oh, they call me selfish
as I walk away from their words
from their talks of war

4.

Let me learn how to breathe a deep breath
I saw God lurking beneath a flower petal
the bees tell me to run
but their wings buzz about something else
I learn how to deepen my breath
they saw God drinking from a well
the birds tell me to fly
but a seed I hold is sprawling itself over my palms

5.

The vastness of nothing is not nothing
eyes can’t perceive everything
if human eyes can see everything
it would slay it and drink its blood
try to absorb the power it holds
try to mimic the movements
leaving behind their human husk
a monster crawling in the dark
paranoid of who can see
armors flanking its skin
terrorized of who will kill it
afraid of who will drink them away
to take a power they stole
and use it to overcome the dark again

Five- Defeat

1.

Busy highways almost killed me
strangers love to lure the weak
I am not hungry for flesh
I am not pining for warmth
yet they rattle their cage
with promises like ransom notes
the lights obscure the light
the darkness holds no wisdom
and if you’re hungry here
no one will feed you
without shoving a holy scripture
down your gullet first

2.

They don’t recognize defeat
they conjure up more battles instead
the words don’t even mean anything
did they mean anything when they were first uttered?
now I’m not too sure
but I know they can’t lay down their weapons
I know they rather continue the fight
they want to make my ruins a mockery
saying that God is the lieutenant beside them
they scowl when I respond
God is just the boxman

3.

I see I have lost
I strip away the debris
I don’t analyze their weapons
but I do polish my swords
God says, polish your soul
I scowl
look at the dice man placing bets
telling me what I should do
all I know is I can’t keep on blaming
all I could claim is what I have truly lost
do I take up another battle?
and what would be my prize?

4.

Acting on every thought
jumping the gun
face forward even as it hits the ground
we truly love the pain
when we idolize the sacrifice
I’ve slowed down these thoughts
for I can’t control the lightning
I can’t predict each strike

5.

The Boxman watches
makes no call
a referee would be better
but probability seems exciting
when no one knows the math
every time they pin it down
it shifts like sand
go back to the desert?
no, Boxman
I’ve had enough of what I can’t hold

Four- Rest

1.

There’s a soul inside this body
a fortress and something golden
but it does not glitter
too matte for it does not care
it does not lure
you see the soul
is polished
when you realize
it’s the only prize you got

2.

I approach the doors
they creak open
I am invited to sleep
the spacious room
the warmth is so pleasing
I lay there and listen
a drummer softly pats the hide
I lay here and listen
my heart is singing her lullaby

3.

I dream of Your face
the lines they fall over themselves
Your mouth speaks of stories of old
You say there is wisdom in the ache of living
I dream of Your face
Your arms holding me close
Your eyes they blink slowly
and in Your embrace, I begin to understand
I dream of Your sky
I dream of Your sea
the earth is my home too
this body is my own too

4.

The lines of Your face, old riverbeds
You carved the man out of soil
You bit the inside of Your cheek
and planted within him a soul
he deceived You
how could something so soft become so cruel?
and You watch
as the game continues on
in Your honor

5.

I exit into the night
the desert has turned into a city
my blindfold in my pocket
I am still in ruins
is it truly an honor to bleed?
to Your horror I no longer weep
is it truly something to behold?
such softness can turn to cruelty
such tenderness can truly surprise
even those with no such thoughts

Three- Sorrow

1.

Move through the heartbreak
every sign says to look up
chin up and I remove my cover
the fresh air is not enough
in fact, it’s quite suffocating
I don’t want to breathe
but these lungs do what they like
the clouds sweep over a foggy blue
move through the heartbreak
the gashes themselves are an elixir

2.

Lean into the pain
sit and do what the ache demands of you
lean against the nothingness
sit and do what the ache demands of you
experience what it means to hurt
sit and do what the ache demands of you
soon enough it will tire
of wringing you like a rag between wrinkled hands

3.

Am I grieving?
is this grief?
is this sadness?
is this what strife feels like?
walking in the ruins of my making
but wait
I made all of this?
how could I have made such a mess?
when I could see fingerprints not of my own
when I could see that I would never cause myself such harm
when I saw the lightening
striking the tree in the storm

4.

I pluck the spikes off
and with it pierce the cactus
cupping my hand to receive a gift
I drink slowly
yes, yes, I am this mess
yes, yes, I have been set on fire
no, no I will not lay in the grave
no, no I will not go back and fix what broke

5.

I laugh as talks of reconstruction are whispered
I laugh as they seem to have medicine for me
I laugh as I continue in this desert
I laugh as I realize God is laughing with me
Oh, what is done will be done
I am walking away from ruin in search of the sea
I am a walking ruin is search for something else
use my wreckage as foundation?
l laugh and laugh
I’m in search for something new
nothing can’t be built
from what was meant to be destroyed

Two- Choice

1.

I misunderstand a single glance
in it I could see warmth
but in the same
I feel coldness
a tempest
I cover my eyes and continue
I cover my eyes so I will not see

2.

I wanted a love too pure
but oceans aren’t even like that
the sky is littered always
I wanted a love too pure
but the trees aren’t even like that
the forests are always littered
my human wants purity
to learn to make it myself
blindfolded and alone
yet I am too dirty
too sinful to care anymore

3.

The birds have gone to sleep
I lie awake and contemplate this God
am I forsaken?
or is this all pure chance?
my kingdom ruined
my heart in a wreckage
He said He would save me
and yet loneliness has invaded
took hostage this soul
I can’t even cry anymore

4.

Limbo, purgatory; the space between
God laughs in flowers
but the orchids mimic what you desire
to trap you
oh God, you mischievous thing
trapping me in Your desert
I set forth with each step
feeling Your roots around my ankles

5.

A sand dune to trip over
I tumble down and feel every grain
paper cuts hurt less
my blades keep opening every wound
do I dare look behind me?
do I dare see how far I’ve come?
I tighten my blindfold
I feel the wet of my eyes
in my throat I scream
I get up and run

Ace- The Beginning

1.

An emblem is set ablaze
I arise with each piercing blow
there is something here
there is something here still worthy
an emblem carved and set on fire
at the heart of the matter
I absorb all the blows
there is something here
I am here

2.

Here in the kingdom of wreckage
I look around and smile
Yes, the rain is washing away the dirt
Yes, the rain is making mud of it all
here in the kingdom of my wreckage
I crown this glory
gripping the sword by the blade

3.

The ideals are getting old
the gold plating is rusting
you sit and wonder about treasure
evolving just to get more
I am done with all of that
you say I have unhinged
just because I turn away from all that glitters
you say I am no longer human for not wanting anymore
but I say
I have been reborn

4.

Just as I dehydrate into a pail
I drink my own
the salt burns
my tears are now plasma
dare I rival the sun?
dare I say I burn just the same?

5.

Almighty stars
look down and see me
have I the same glint?
almighty God
look down and see me
have I the same reflection?
the pools in where You were born
now deserts in where I roam

unknown mazes

you float away into the unknown mazes of the makings of your own snaking excuses that fill your mouth with venom that corrodes your tongue as you speak with words that spiral and hold you afloat in the unknown mazes of your thought patterns that spiral and fall into your heart who is so desperate for warmth in the cold cavity of your perpetual winters in which you’ve grown comfortable in the snowfall of your gaze falling into your excuses and excuse me for asking, but how long can you live frozen in fear?

a prayer, an affirmation

I know what I am, I know what I’m made of-
simple routines stick to the surface like buoys in the trapped water in the open cavities of the sea
I know what I am, my worth I know it-
the gaze is so simple and yet it pierces. when it can it buries. when it wants it collapses
I know, I know
in all that is, and all that there is to know
I know what I am, I know what I’m made of